How to sell pizza: An example of good marketing

(Inspired by the Domino's Bad Andy commercials from a decade ago).

King Kong is ferociously climbing to the top of the Empire State Building. While we wonder what this is all about, the camera cuts to a shot of Baywatch queen Carmen Electra dressed in a sexy, masturbation-enticing bikini, trying to escape from the perverted sexual appetite of the monster. As Kong grabs Carmen she starts screaming like crazy. :rolleyes: The only reason while we haven't sent the infrared signal to the tube ordering to change the channel is, of course, our total captivation with Carmen’s anatomy.

Suddenly the big guy starts sniffing something. To everyone's astonishment he puts Carmen down, totally forgetting about the screaming siren. While we wonder what the fuck is wrong with this oversized simian, we hear the loud thump of a helicopter arriving at the scene carrying a giant Dominos pizza. As it cuts closer to the scene, it hangs the exquisite, mouth-watering pizza just above the Hairy Ape’s reach.

So close yet so far away, would think a reasonable individual. Not Kong. He really loves his Dominos and would do anything to warrant himself the delicious taste of that hot, dandy pizza. He looks down as to assess the magnitude of the danger. We immediately get a shot of the 100 or so stories of thin air separating him from the cold embrace of concrete, creating an emphatic bond between us consumers and the big, Dominos-Pizza-Loving Dude. The gravity of the situation clearly manifests itself. Kong's dilemma is painfully obvious to us. On one hand is the prospect of a bone-cracking, blood-splattering death. On the other end is that fresh--almost sexual, Dominos pizza boasting its deliciousness in front of his very eyes.

At this point, we imagine that there is no way Kong is gonna go for the pizza: the risk is too big! I mean, we know Dominos pizza rocks big time, but it ain't worth dying for, right? As that thought is crossing our minds, we stare in disbelief as Kong leaps off the building extending his hand to its maximum reach and, as he is about to grab the epitome of his desires, the camera does one of those Matrix freeze-frame 360 degrees turn-around shots. At this point we are totally blown away and dying to know what happens next. Will the King of Apes reach the pizza? If so, how will he prevent the apparently inevitable fall? Will he at least be able to eat the pizza while en route to crashing down on the pavement? Will a superhero version of Bad Andy come to his (and the pizza’s) rescue?

While this existential questions flash through our minds, we see Kong reaching the pinnacle of his ascent and instantaneously beginning his free fall to oblivion, the gentle pull of gravity summoning him downwards. Even as he inevitably falls to his destiny he looks over at that yummy, fresh-out -of -the-oven pizza and, remembering Michael Jordan's last second dunk from half court in Space Jam, makes a last-ditch, futile attempt to grab that most delicious form of culinary perfection known to man. Even as death stares him inescapably in the face, his focus is directed towards that obscenely exquisite pizza instead of his own mortality.

At this point, while we are drooling over the pizza and desperately reaching out to grab the phone and order one to placate our uncontainable desires, the narrator utters to the captivated audience what will be the catchy phraseof the summer:

Stupid Kong. Good Pizza

A last shot of the very yummy Carmen Electra consuming a slice of delicious, absolutely yummy Dominos pizza in orgasmic delight closes the deal while creating the inevitable sexual identification with the product.

Off to buy my Dominos now… :rolleyes: