Bush's remarks on John Paul II's Death

My fellow Americans, the Catholic State of the Vatican has today
become destitute of power. Its fearless leader has been placed in
carbonite preser...I mean, cryogenic preservation, and a Muslim clone
secretly claimed the Chair of Peter in his stead. This devious plot
conjured by the Saint Louis Cardinals in concert with the Arab League
must be preemptively dealt with decisiveness before this impostor gets
an ideological stronghold among Catholics worldwide. The nefarious
implications are unimaginable: Kamikaze priests, Napa Valley exclusive
wine-supplying contracts with the Vatican been revoked. The mind
boggles!

A new Axis of Evil is emerging before us and we must show our resolve
by leading a Holy Crusade and reclaim the Vatican from Muslim fundies.
After freeing our Vatican brothers, a leader must be appointed to
guide Catholicism to worldwide prosperity. But we have all seen the
debacle that was the democratic election in Iraq. We have learned from
our mistakes that democracy is not a good that we can simply export.
That is why, after Vatican territory is secured by our military, I
will proclaim myself as new Supreme Pontiff under the name of Popeye
I. Good night, and may God bless America.