The Finlandian Connection Reloaded.

Over a year after Iraq’s peace mission began:

--Bush: So, Donnie, have we found those Weapons of Mass Destruction yet?
--Donald Rumsfeld: Ah, George, I have told you a 1,000 times. There are no WMDs: They were a McGuffin.
--Bush: An Egg McMuffin? Is that military parlance for “let’s open a McDonald’s franchise in Iraq”?
--Dick Cheney: Sigh! Nope, Georgie boy. We are continuing to stay the course towards a Halliburton franchise. Scratch McDonald’s. And, by the way, a McGuffin is something convenient used in a movie to advance the plot while serving no real purpose within the story. Haven’t you watched any Hitchcock?
--Bush: And that’s related to WMDs how...?
--Rumsfeld: Sir, remember the meetings in the war room? The WMDs never existed; they were a McGuffin: A ploy to deceive the American Public and deviate attention from our real objective, getting control of Iraq’s oil.
--Bush: So that’s what was behind those weapons of mass DIVERSION jokes? I get it now: We used the weapons as a false pretense to divert attention from our imperialistic aims. Brilliant!
--Cheney: Ahem, Yes, well, I must admit it was a masterfully orchestrated plan. I love when a plan comes together!
--Bush: I meant the JOKE was brilliant.
-Cheney: Sigh!
--Rumsfeld: Anyway, sir, now the truth is out and we must cover our tracks if we want to get you re-elected.
--Bush: But how we do that? People aren’t stupid, you know. Wait, I got an idea.
--Rumsfeld: Let's hear it, sir.
--Bush: Let’s send a convoy of planes against the Sears Tower, the Lincoln Memorial and Disneyland. That should scare the populace and reinforce my iconic status as fearless leader whose resolve shall lead us through these dark times.
--Rumsfeld: Ahem. Sir, I was thinking about something subtler. More along the lines of perhaps planting the weapons so it actually appears that the Iraq campaign was an actual decisive move to placate a clear and present danger against our great nation.
--Bush: But who could coordinate such a masterful scheme of deception? I think I should phone my brother. He did such a wonderful job with the 2000 elections...

*Jeb Bush’s phone rings*

--JB: Hello? Georgie, is that you? It has been almost four years since your last call. How is everything in the Oval Office?
--Bush: Well, not as windy as in Florida, but a bit rough nonetheless.
--JB: Tell me about it. These damn hurricanes! A butterfly flaps its wings in Peking and I get thousands of welfare cases to deal with over here! But I digress, you have some sort of trouble in your hands?
--Bush: It’s those Egg McMuffins once again. It seems people do not trust me anymore and we might need to recur to your helping us with the Florida ballots yet one more time…

*Rumsfeld approaches the Prez; talks to him in the ear*

--Rumsfeld: Sir, it’s a McGuffin, not Egg McMuffin...Either way, what we need is not electoral fraud, but rather create the illusion that WMDs actually exist and are located in Iraqi soil.
--Bush: Heard that Jeb? Any insights?
--JB: Actually, I was talking with some Costa Rican lobbyists the other night. It appears a group called "The Ex-Presidents" has been for several years diverting public funds into their own pockets, veiling their frauds under pretenses such as buying unnecessary medical equipment and pocketing hefty commissions for structuring the deals and cooking the books. Seems like these are the right people for the task at hand.
--Bush: Great suggestion, bro. If they engineered that, cleaning up our mess should be kiddie play. I knew you would come through for me once again.
--Cheney: Fine. Colin, get immediately in touch with your people in Costa Rica. Bring me
the government officials involved in this Machiavellian plotting. And while you’re at that, see to it that we privatize their oil fields. Fooled you! There’s no oil in Costa Rica, dumbass. I kill myself!
--Colin Powell: Yes sir, quite amusing, your wit. I shall commence with the preparations.
--Cheney: Please do. Ashcroft? Were’s that faggot when one needs him?

*Attorney General John Ashcroft abruptly enters the room*

--Ashcroft: I’m sorry sir. I have been too busy issuing detention warrants and imprisoning illegal combatants.
--Cheney: Yeah, yeah. Quit toying with that Patriot Act of yours and use it for something meaningful. Get busy raising our fear status to “Ridiculously High Terrorism Alert” and forming a Joint Congressional Committee to approve $100 million budget for counter-terrorism defense. We are calling this operation “The Finlandian Connection Reloaded." And where in the name of those deliberately-high-oil-consuming SUV’s name is the president?
--Bush: Crap! Just lost another game of tic-tac-toe over the Internet!
--Cheney: Sigh! Let it go. We’ll send a hit squad to dispose of the kid that beat you. Ashcroft, declare it a threat to National Security to beat the President at tic-tac-toe. And you, Georgie boy, zip your mouth while we orchestrate this dastardly evil plan.

*One day later, at Washington DC’s Dulles International Airport*

--Powell: Mr. Vicepresident, may I introduce you to our Costa Rican associates: Eliseo Vargas, Walter Reiche, Rafael Ángel Calderón and Miguel Ángel Rodríguez.
--Cheney: They could call themselves Hannibal, Face, Baracus and Murdock and go by the alias of The A-Team for all I care. I don’t need names. I seek a credible strategy to mislead the gullible American citizens until the elections. So, what do you have for me, you Costa Rican schmucks?
Calderón: Sir, what we was planiating is a artificial prestamation of…
Cheney: For Christ’s sake, can’t this dope speak any English? As if I didn’t have enough trouble already trying to understand my funny-speaking Arab business partners!

*Diplomatic Translator is called. Calderón proceeds*

--Calderón: Yes, well, as I was saying sir, we have devised a master stratagem: It’s already arranged for our National Legislative Assembly to approve acquiring a governmental debt destined to buy medical equipment which would be provided as humanitarian aid to Iraq, whereupon…
--Cheney: Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Your pitiful country backed-down from our “Coalition of the Willing” crap. Why should your Congress approve any Iraq relief package?
--Calderón: Therein resides the brilliance of my plan. Michael Moore stated in his documentary “Fahrenheit 911” that we are members of the coalition. If it’s in the movie...
--Cheney:...it must be true! You are not as dumb as I thought, Cyrano. Even though your constant pointing of your nose at me is exasperating, your plan seems worth the time. Go on, how does buying the medical equipment translate into procuring phantom weapons?
--Calderón: There, precisely, lies the brilliant stroke. There’s no need for the weapons to actually exist. We simply pick a random country—say Krakozhia—to lend us the funds. The loan is set up as a government initiative to subsidize their lagging health industry exports. A dummy Krakozhian corporation, Gepetto’s Workshop, has already been chartered to act as the seller of the purported medical equipment. Mr. Reiche over here has agreed to arrange for his company, Fischel Corp, to serve as technical consultant for the deal. Here’s his recommendation indicating to Mr. Eliseo Vargas --who runs our state-owned health-care monopoly--that our beloved CCSS, founded by my father if I may add...
--Cheney: You are sacking your father’s legacy to your country? That’s evil, man. My respect for your nose, I mean, for you, has suddenly risen. But I ramble, please go on...
--Calderón. Well, as I was explaining, we then proceed with the “buying” of the made-belief equipment. We donate it to Iraq, and you follow suit proclaiming their WMDs have been found. We will take care of the equipment acquisition paperwork--loan agreement, dummy invoices, bills of lading, electronic money transfer slips, Customs papers demonstrating equipment delivery to Iraq, phony photographs, the whole 9 yards--, thus authenticating the use of the funds to Costa Rican regulatory authorities. Concurrently, you arrange for fake radar and thermal imaging of the weapons--pinpointing their location inside Iraq--as well as shipping manifestos from military subcontractors and point at the unofficial records--false phone call logs, terrorist contact’s names, message intercepts...--that will unequivocally evidence that the Costa Rican loan was a cover-up for what “really” took place: Us buying black market Krakozhian nukes and handing them over to Iraqi freedom fighters. By the time they figure out Krakozhia isn’t even a real country, and neither the weapons exist nor any sale ever took place...
--Cheney:...our president would have already been re-elected!
--Bush: Wait a second. Krakozhia isn’t a real country? So that’s why I couldn’t find it in the Atlas! Now I’m confused. Didn’t Tom Hanks’ character in that flick, “The Terminal,” come from a nation called Krakozhia?
--Calderón: See what I mean? If it’s in the movie...
--Cheney:...it must be true! That should buy us sufficient time until the truth is uncovered. Works for me, but I’m intrigued: what do you gain by all this? We accomplish our goal and emerge immaculately clean. Moreover, we swiftly demonstrate to the world our unparalleled skill at detecting and promptly stopping terrorist activity. But you will face certain imprisonment in your country and with no money to show for your efforts.
--Calderón: Well, not exactly. You will create a $5,000,000 expense account against your anti-terrorism budget. That will be our cut from the deal, let’s call it a “premio”, as we say back in CR...

*The 4 Costa Ricans laugh in unison*

--Calderón: Here’s the Panamanian account where the funds are to be deposited: Chorizo Holdings, account number: 12345666. As to the imprisonment, we fake illnesses to assure we get nothing more than house arrest in the exquisite comfort of our castle-like residences. Trust me, this plan can’t fail. Being there, done that.
--Cheney: And should the press dig something up and find enough evidence to trial and convict you in a REAL prison, we can simply annex CR as the 51st member of the American Union and appoint you as antiterrorism ambassadors or some made-up title of the sort.
--Calderón: It`s settled, then.
--Cheney: Yes, only one question lingers. I can see your role as deal coordinator and facilitator. Reiche and Vargas are the corrupt government officials. That’s pretty straightforward. But what’s that Rodriguez fellow’s place in all of this?
--Calderón: Nothing really. We just brought him to entertain your President so we could machinate in peace, without any of his obnoxious interferences.

*Bush is heard in the distance, intoning a rather excited remark to Miguel Ángel*

--Bush: Huh, beat you once again. I quite enjoy playing marbles with you!
--Calderón. See what I mean?
--Cheney: Sigh! It’s painfully clear.
--Calderón: Well, Dickie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

*Calderón and Cheney walk away together into the sunset*