It's a Wonderful Life…Or, is it?

"***A few days ago, in a galaxy near you***

--Big Fiscatel VIP: I have a felt a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices screamed together in horror: I fear something terrible has happ.ened.
--Miguel Ángel Rodríguez: Could it be that Alderaan was blown up by the Death Star?
--Big Fiscatel VIP: Sigh. That's why you are an angel second class and haven't gotten your wings yet. No, my obtuse little friend, it's something worse. I fear the population of Costa Rica has been mislead by their corrupticians, and their peaceful country sacked by the greed and dishonesty of their rulers.
--MAR: No way, Joseph! I presided over that country just a few years ago, and can assure you we received no premios for assigning undeserved contracts to Finlandian or French multinationals.
--BFVIP: Yes, and Oceania is at war with Eurasia…But let's not delve into the past and focus on the present. We must ease the pain that subsumes CR in a desert of desolation and despair. I'm sending you back to Earth to renovate the spirits of Costa Ricans and recover their lost faith on the sacred institution of democracy.
--MAR: And what'll be my premio if I succeed?
--BFVIP: What's the obsession with you Costa Ricans and your premios? You will get your wings, as if that weren't enough. And before you ask, no, you can not go back as either Rupaul or Walter Mercado.
--MAR: Can I least ride atop Rudolph? I want to guide Santa's sleigh this Xmas.
--BFVIP: Yeah, right, Rosebud. For the umpteenth time: Using Rudolph's shiny bright nose to generate energy and sell it to ICE won't work. Besides, the co-generation scam has already been done. Take a number.
--MAR: Sigh. Ok, ok. I'll settle for the wingy things. Off I go to save the day back at my beloved homeland.
--BFVIP: Wait. I haven't briefed you about the situation. Let go of your dildo, sit down, and listen.

***Flashback to recent events on Earth are displayed in Big Fiscatel VIP's all-surveying Sony Wega 666" TV. We join Costa Rican ex-president Rafael Calderopone (commonly known as Al) exchanging pleasantries with a Finland trade representative***

-- Calderopone: Welcome to Costa Rica, my esteemed Norse friend.
--Finnish Exec: Hello, your Noseness. I'm Mr. Healthsinski, Head of the Caribbean Health Organization for the Reinvigoration of Industry (CHORI). And your name is?
-- Calderopone: The name is Calderopone. AL Calderopone.
--FE: And you like your vodka martini shaken, not stirred, I presume. But on to serious matters, I have a business proposal you won't be able to refuse.
-- Calderopone: Go ahead, make my day.
--FE: How bout $1,000,000 bucks for passing legislation, no questions asked.
-- Calderopone : Hmm… Interesting you bring that up. You know what my Mama always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get." So, you are saying you would like to contribute 1.000,000 chocolates for Costa Rican children in Halloween?
--FE: What??
-- Calderopone: Sigh! I'm speaking in code, just like in the movies. Walls have ears, you know. I may have said chocolate, but what I REALLY meant is something else altogether. Catch my drift?
--FE: So, you want some chocolate lovin'? Is that it, Hugh Grant? I can arrange for beautiful ebony ladies, you stud. Or dudes, if you putt from the rough…
--Calderopone: No. I mean I want 1,000,000 CHOCOLATES!!!

***Calderopone makes money sign***

--FE: Yes, Wonka, but I'm not in the chocolate business. I can offer, however, 1,000,000 unmarked American dollars in exchange for you using your influences and connections…
-- Calderopone: Sir, you are not implying that I can be bought!!!
***Turns water faucet on, then quietly murmurs to the Finnish Exec's ear***

--Calderopone: Here's my account. I'll have my lawyers prepare a draft of the contract to buy whatever crap you are selling. Count on me running a bill through our Congress and having it approved in no more than 3 days.

**Big Fiscatel VIP pauses the show***

--MAR: OK. I see where you are going. You want me to take the premio instead of him. I see it now: However painful this is to my morals, I shall duly obey your wise designs.
--Big Fiscatel VIP: Sigh! Your greed warps your brain. Told you what your mission is, I have not.
--MAR: Hey! You sound different!
--BFVIP: My bad. Just last night, I was watching the trailer for Episode III. But back to business. You must prevent this event from ever occurring. Should this money be accepted, it could create a moral paradox, the results of which could start a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe!
--MAR: Whoa, this is heavy. I think I should run for office once again and put a halt to these horrendous dealings…
--BFVIP: Hello, McFly? Anybody home? Aren't you paying attention, this is what starts the sacking of the Costa Rican Treasury and eventually lands you into jail. Zip your mouth and watch.

*** Big Fiscatel VIP resumes playback***

***Flashback to secret meeting at Charles de Gaulle airport, in France***

--Alcatel CEO: There you are, Monsieur. Finally you arrive. You are 3 days en retard. Where put@ins have you been?
--MAR: Pardon moi, monsieur. I was stuck for 3 days at JFK airport in New York. My Costa Rican passport was revoked as a US government reprimand for pulling out of the "Coalition of the Willing" Irak campaign. Had to sleep on the terminal's benches for 3 days until I finally could fake my passport and sneak past American Customs…
--Alcatel CEO: But, Monsieur, couldn't you have PHONED us? With our state-of-the-art telecommunication technology we could have closed this deal in no time. Now, about that crappy equipment your government was going to buy from us…
--MAR: Yes, it's all been taken care of. Here's the contract for you to sign…

***Alcatel CEO grabs the contract and signs. A devious smile crosses his face as a macabre laugh escapes from his lips***

--Alcatel CEO: It's done. Ah, France's claws asserting themselves over a smallish country once again. Feels like colonial times all over again. Ah, the good all times…
--MAR: Ehem! Monsieur, we're not quite finished…
--Alcatel CEO: Ah, oui. Almost forgot. Here's Zinedine Zidane's game-worn underwear, as per your request…

*** Big Fiscatel VIP pauses the show once again***

--Big Fiscatel VIP: You now understand this is what happens if Calderon's not stopped from taking the bribe? See why you must impede that from ever taking place?
--MAR: But the underwear wasn't for me. I'm not a fag.got or anything. I just needed it to dress up my Zidane inflatable doll…
--Big Fiscatel VIP: I was referring to you taking the BRIBE, not your Alexander complex. You know what, forget about the wings and the job. I hear there's new political blood in Costa Rica: Some group calling itself "Partido NALGA." Perhaps they'll be better able to salvage their country. As for you, I tried to give you a second chance, but I guess it's irrelevant. You may actually enjoy your stint as a jailbird. Here's a bar of soap; I fear you will actually find it useful where you are going.

***MAR vanishes from the Heavenly pastures. A bar of soap is heard being tossed to the floor at La Reforma, while an ex-president bends down to pick it up…***

***Meanwhile, Big Fiscatel VIP logs on to the Internet and searches for the word "NALGA". The recruitment for those who will redeem Costa Rican democracy has begun…*** "