A typical day at the Oval Office

A recently-leaked account of President Bush's decision-making in the aftermath of Pope John Paul II's ill-timed death.


***Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice discusses international policy with President Bush***



--Rice: Mr. President. We need to discuss our approach concerning the Vatican…

--Bush: The Batican? That name rings a bell. Does it have anything to do with Batman? And speaking of Bats, when is the Cape Crusader's new movie opening?

--Rice: July, Sir. But I wasn't referring to the comic book character. I meant the Vatican, as in the Holy See…

--Bush: Holy shit, Batman! Ha, ha! Get it? Holy See, Holy Shit. I so amuse myself.

--Rice: Yes sir, quite clever Robin impression. As to the issue at hand, I was explaining that the Conclave is over and the new Pope…

--Bush: Hmm… Hang on. I got a great idea coming. Pope…Pope…Popeye! Yes, I just had a stroke of genius. How about a movie called "Popeye vs Batman"? Listen to this pitch: The Batmovile runs out of oil and Batman leads a Coalition of the Willing to retrieve the petroleum from the evil Ras-Al-Ghul and his Arab Empire?

--Rice: Sir, I doubt that "plot" would be convenient considering the present geopolitical situation, not to mention Ras-al-Ghul isn't actually arab... Besides, where does Popeye fit into all this?

--Bush: Isn't it obvious? Ras-Al-Ghul uses a voodoo doll to force Popeye into fighting Batman. It's utterly witty. This is going to be even better than…what's that classic movie called? The one about the guy with the hill of beans who was in love with a woman he met back in Texas? Was it "White House"?

--Rice: Actually, that's Paris, the capital of France, not the Texan city of the same name. And the film is "Casablanca," sir. You know, the Moroccan city…

--Bush: Ah, yes, the capital of Morocco, the country near Al-Goria.

--Rice: Algeria, Mr. President. It appears you're confusing the country's name with that of your former political rival's. Notwithstanding that—and the fact that Morocco's capital is Rabat, rather than Casablanca—you're a geography whiz. But back on subject, now that the new Pope has been elected…

--Bush: Slow down a bit. Elections you said? Were they fair? How do we know the ballots were properly accounted for? I think we should ask for a recount.

--Rice: Ehem, however brilliant that idea may be, the ballots are BURNED after the new Pontiff is elected, the resulting white smoke indicating a victor has been determined. A recount is impossible. It's tradition.

--Bush: Tradition or not, it doesn't add up. Recounts are invaluable to an electoral process. Take me for example. Imagine if Jeb had not leveraged his political power over at Florida. America would be ruled by those intern-loving dems. Myself, as well as America, owe so much to my kid brother.

--Rice: Yes, my Fearless Leader, I'm sure you are a great Big Brother... Getting back to the Vatican affair, our Public Relations staff was considering a joint ceremonial visit to congratulate the Pope after his accession. We're currently working on a diplomatic delegation with the Brits…

--Bush: Wait! That reminds me my Britney Spears concert starts in an hour…Err, that didn't come out right…

--Rice: Don't worry sir. You're free to go. It's good that you take your niece out for her birthday.

--Bush: But I don't have a niece…The tickets are actually for…Ah, wait, I see what you're doing. You're really good at this. Am I glad I had the initiative to appoint you as Secretary of State!

--Rice: Actually, sir, if you recall, you were practically forced to offer me the job after Powell got tired of your disregard for international law, but I digress. In any case, we need your signature in the congratulatory letter we drafted for His Excellency Pope Bene dict…

--Bush: Don't tell me his full name! I'm not a retard:As if I didn't know about Pope Benedick Cheney! See how up-to-date I'm with current foreign affairs?

--Rice: Nothing slips by you, Sire, but I'm afraid you might be confusing the recently-elected Pope with Vice president Dick Cheney.

--Bush: And speaking of Dick, he just gave me a book as a President's Day gift. Took me two months to read and fully comprehend. Truly an intellectual tour de force, the damn thing. I've heard this Pope is a gifted theologian. Would it be appropriate to send it to him as a token of good will from the American People?

--Rice: Great idea, Mr. President! You're getting quite adept at international diplomacy.

--Bush: Not to blow my own horn, but what can I say, I'm a natural.

--Rice: Guess you're, Sire. By the way, what's the book's title?

--Bush: "The Da Vinci Code."

--Rice: Sigh!