If I wanted to safely preserve every species included in the biological spectrum of life confined to reside in this blue oasis in space, I would like, built this huge self-sufficient, fusion reactor powered ark, and then like put a pair of every species inside so they could like reproduce and stuff. Then we construct a huge rocket to carry the ark into space, put the ark in the cargo bay and ZUM! Off to space it goes.
Once in orbit, it deploys the ark in geo-stationary orbit. We could even put in instruments to measure the effects of low gravity on animals. And why stop there? We could throw in some Discovery channel tapes of animals getting laid in the wild (animal porn). This way we can study sex in space, I mean, what can be more important than understanding how a horny elephant manages to impregnate his fat-ass partner in a zero gravity environment?
Imaging for a moment the sheer excitement of watching a pair of roaches hitting it off whit Also Sprach Zarathustra playing on the background? Can you possibly fathom the imposing image of a lion masturbating in space, all the tiny spermatozoids floating together like ballerinas in a perfectly choreographed vision of grandeur? How about a menage a trois of copulating rhinos? Furthermore, we could even get them dildos, vibrators and other sex toys. Boy, it just keeps getting more interesting by the minute!
I bet the networks would kill for the rights to broadcast the event live from the ark. They could even install a pussy-cam to get a close-up of the penetrating motion and fluid deployment extravaganza. Jerry Springer and Howard Stern could do the play by play with commentaries by Dr. Ruth. I mean, the ratings would go off the charts; forget about reality shows like Survivor, animal sex in space is the way to go!
But, most important of all, the animals would be safe, protected from the evil wrath of man, separated from their greatest nemesis by 35900 km of thin air. Even better, we could go on animal killing spree back here on earth since there would be no risk of animal extinction whatsoever. Heck, we can even kill the animals preserved in the zoos. Those bastards, sitting there all day doing nothing except for wasting us taxpayers good money. Grrr!
Evidently, a new legislation will be developed outlawing animal hunting in space. As a matter of fact, we could camouflage an antimissile defense system inside the ark and nobody would suspect a thing since it is an ecological preserve, right? What sick mind would suspect of us Americans using animals as a decoy to deploy a nuclear treaty violating defense system. I wonder why no one had ever thought of it before. We could even call it Star Wars. Now, that would be really cool, literally out of this world.
Now, as to the name for the ark, a few choices come to mind: Biosphere-3, Space PANDAmonium and Laika's Orbiting Playhouse, to name a few.
Pd. This is a serious proposal currently under study by Congress. Some relevant contents such as the aerodynamically designed toilets, fart containing system, animal droppings compactor, pheromone ventilator, spermatozoid collider and cryogenic camera for polar bear preservation have been omitted due to their obvious national security implications.
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta Parodies. Mostrar todas las entradas
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta Parodies. Mostrar todas las entradas
jueves, 11 de febrero de 2010
How to sell pizza: An example of good marketing
(Inspired by the Domino's Bad Andy commercials from a decade ago).
King Kong is ferociously climbing to the top of the Empire State Building. While we wonder what this is all about, the camera cuts to a shot of Baywatch queen Carmen Electra dressed in a sexy, masturbation-enticing bikini, trying to escape from the perverted sexual appetite of the monster. As Kong grabs Carmen she starts screaming like crazy. :rolleyes: The only reason while we haven't sent the infrared signal to the tube ordering to change the channel is, of course, our total captivation with Carmen’s anatomy.
Suddenly the big guy starts sniffing something. To everyone's astonishment he puts Carmen down, totally forgetting about the screaming siren. While we wonder what the fuck is wrong with this oversized simian, we hear the loud thump of a helicopter arriving at the scene carrying a giant Dominos pizza. As it cuts closer to the scene, it hangs the exquisite, mouth-watering pizza just above the Hairy Ape’s reach.
So close yet so far away, would think a reasonable individual. Not Kong. He really loves his Dominos and would do anything to warrant himself the delicious taste of that hot, dandy pizza. He looks down as to assess the magnitude of the danger. We immediately get a shot of the 100 or so stories of thin air separating him from the cold embrace of concrete, creating an emphatic bond between us consumers and the big, Dominos-Pizza-Loving Dude. The gravity of the situation clearly manifests itself. Kong's dilemma is painfully obvious to us. On one hand is the prospect of a bone-cracking, blood-splattering death. On the other end is that fresh--almost sexual, Dominos pizza boasting its deliciousness in front of his very eyes.
At this point, we imagine that there is no way Kong is gonna go for the pizza: the risk is too big! I mean, we know Dominos pizza rocks big time, but it ain't worth dying for, right? As that thought is crossing our minds, we stare in disbelief as Kong leaps off the building extending his hand to its maximum reach and, as he is about to grab the epitome of his desires, the camera does one of those Matrix freeze-frame 360 degrees turn-around shots. At this point we are totally blown away and dying to know what happens next. Will the King of Apes reach the pizza? If so, how will he prevent the apparently inevitable fall? Will he at least be able to eat the pizza while en route to crashing down on the pavement? Will a superhero version of Bad Andy come to his (and the pizza’s) rescue?
While this existential questions flash through our minds, we see Kong reaching the pinnacle of his ascent and instantaneously beginning his free fall to oblivion, the gentle pull of gravity summoning him downwards. Even as he inevitably falls to his destiny he looks over at that yummy, fresh-out -of -the-oven pizza and, remembering Michael Jordan's last second dunk from half court in Space Jam, makes a last-ditch, futile attempt to grab that most delicious form of culinary perfection known to man. Even as death stares him inescapably in the face, his focus is directed towards that obscenely exquisite pizza instead of his own mortality.
At this point, while we are drooling over the pizza and desperately reaching out to grab the phone and order one to placate our uncontainable desires, the narrator utters to the captivated audience what will be the catchy phraseof the summer:
Stupid Kong. Good Pizza
A last shot of the very yummy Carmen Electra consuming a slice of delicious, absolutely yummy Dominos pizza in orgasmic delight closes the deal while creating the inevitable sexual identification with the product.
Off to buy my Dominos now… :rolleyes:
King Kong is ferociously climbing to the top of the Empire State Building. While we wonder what this is all about, the camera cuts to a shot of Baywatch queen Carmen Electra dressed in a sexy, masturbation-enticing bikini, trying to escape from the perverted sexual appetite of the monster. As Kong grabs Carmen she starts screaming like crazy. :rolleyes: The only reason while we haven't sent the infrared signal to the tube ordering to change the channel is, of course, our total captivation with Carmen’s anatomy.
Suddenly the big guy starts sniffing something. To everyone's astonishment he puts Carmen down, totally forgetting about the screaming siren. While we wonder what the fuck is wrong with this oversized simian, we hear the loud thump of a helicopter arriving at the scene carrying a giant Dominos pizza. As it cuts closer to the scene, it hangs the exquisite, mouth-watering pizza just above the Hairy Ape’s reach.
So close yet so far away, would think a reasonable individual. Not Kong. He really loves his Dominos and would do anything to warrant himself the delicious taste of that hot, dandy pizza. He looks down as to assess the magnitude of the danger. We immediately get a shot of the 100 or so stories of thin air separating him from the cold embrace of concrete, creating an emphatic bond between us consumers and the big, Dominos-Pizza-Loving Dude. The gravity of the situation clearly manifests itself. Kong's dilemma is painfully obvious to us. On one hand is the prospect of a bone-cracking, blood-splattering death. On the other end is that fresh--almost sexual, Dominos pizza boasting its deliciousness in front of his very eyes.
At this point, we imagine that there is no way Kong is gonna go for the pizza: the risk is too big! I mean, we know Dominos pizza rocks big time, but it ain't worth dying for, right? As that thought is crossing our minds, we stare in disbelief as Kong leaps off the building extending his hand to its maximum reach and, as he is about to grab the epitome of his desires, the camera does one of those Matrix freeze-frame 360 degrees turn-around shots. At this point we are totally blown away and dying to know what happens next. Will the King of Apes reach the pizza? If so, how will he prevent the apparently inevitable fall? Will he at least be able to eat the pizza while en route to crashing down on the pavement? Will a superhero version of Bad Andy come to his (and the pizza’s) rescue?
While this existential questions flash through our minds, we see Kong reaching the pinnacle of his ascent and instantaneously beginning his free fall to oblivion, the gentle pull of gravity summoning him downwards. Even as he inevitably falls to his destiny he looks over at that yummy, fresh-out -of -the-oven pizza and, remembering Michael Jordan's last second dunk from half court in Space Jam, makes a last-ditch, futile attempt to grab that most delicious form of culinary perfection known to man. Even as death stares him inescapably in the face, his focus is directed towards that obscenely exquisite pizza instead of his own mortality.
At this point, while we are drooling over the pizza and desperately reaching out to grab the phone and order one to placate our uncontainable desires, the narrator utters to the captivated audience what will be the catchy phraseof the summer:
Stupid Kong. Good Pizza
A last shot of the very yummy Carmen Electra consuming a slice of delicious, absolutely yummy Dominos pizza in orgasmic delight closes the deal while creating the inevitable sexual identification with the product.
Off to buy my Dominos now… :rolleyes:
Suscribirse a:
Entradas (Atom)