From Britain with Love: The name is Bond...Jessica Bond

[After botching an assignmment, 007 is summoned up to M's office]

M: Bloody hell, Bond. Not only did you shagged the russian premier's wife, Rupaul and the entire norwegian cheerleading team --which, incidentally, was actually a squad of CIA covert agents trying to plant WMD's on Norway to justify a US-lead-coalition preemptive invasion that would've ensured Britain's drilling rights over the North Sea as reward for supporting the foolish american crusade in Irak, but you ALSO fucked your damn assignment: How bloody difficult can it be to recover the prime minister's poodle from a treetop?

007: The name is Bond, James Bond. Err, sorry, long line. I meant, that little dog put up quite a fight!

[Ben Stiller appears]

Stiller: Yeah, I once had to fight one while courting my sweetheart, Mary. That little dog knew Kung-Fu for crying out loud!

007: See what I mean? It's not as easy as it looks! That canine was a feisty little bastard!

M [Looking at Stiller]: Who's this arse-face american? What's your code name?

[Q teleports-in]

Q: Sorry for the abruptness. I was testing my newest invention: The teleporter. And this man is no secret agent: He is a test subject randomly picked off the street. Gay Fokker is his name, I seem to recall.

[M bursts into laughter]

M: Well, Bond. Seems you got some competition in the fucking department...

007: It would be appropriate to point out that my sexual engagements are confined to women. I would never--not even for Britain!--do, you know, what he does.

[Moneypenny's voice is heard over the intercom]

Moneypenny: Phone call for James. Somebody by the name of Rupaul. He would like to personally thank James for a wonderful...

[Bond interjects a violent cough, making the rest of the message inaudible]

Bond: Ahem! He really looked like a woman! And I did nothing. I swear on Britain!

Stiller: So that's why you have been walking funny. So, who's the gay one now? Busted!

[Nelson Muntz teleports-in, points at Bond]: Ha, ha!

Bond: Err. The name is Bond, James Bond. I mean, I'm gay. Wait, what I meant was my walking like this stems from an injury sustained while trying to get out of the closet during a mission. No, that came out wrong. Oh, Christ, could I PLEASE have a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.

[R2-D2 is beamed up; arrives with the drink]

M: Neither me nor this agency are interested in your nocturnal activities, Bond. Please yourself however you will.

007: But I'm not ga..

M: Silence, cowboy. As I was saying before Mr. Fokker's obnoxious interrumption, you fucked your last mission. You are getting a partner. May I present to you Agent 69: Jessica Bond.

[Drop-dead gorgeous blonde enters the room]

007: A pleasure to be made your acquiantence, my dear lady. I anticipate this is the commencement of a very reproductive...I mean, productive and fruitful relationship.

M: Drop the act, Bond. Oh, by the way, I neglected to mention she's the only lesbian agent in the Force.

Jessica Bond: Not to mention the fact of me being your long lost sister.

007: No!!!!!!!!

Mtarix parody

How much is the matrix part of your life???

Who gives a rat’s @as? As my Zen master, [b]Ferris Bueller[/b], would say, life moves pretty fast. If you blink for a second, it might pass you by. 8)

I know you´re out there....

No shit, [b]Sherlock[/b]. Now, get your butt in here, and help me inflate my [b]Woman in Red Dress[/b] doll. ;D

I can feel you now.

Nope, that ain’t me. That’s Bernie’s @ss you’re grabbing. Remember, we came here to spend the [b]weekend at Bernie’s[/b] beach house, then he died, now we’re trying to get rid of his corpse… ;D

I know that you´re afraid.

I’m afraid I lost my spoon. Have you, perchance, seen it? ???

You are afraid of responding to this call.
Meesa afraid? What you talking ‘bout, [b]Willis[/b]?

By the way, let me clue you in, [b]there is no fun[/b]!

You´re afraid of being made fun of

OK. So I have a [b]third nipple[/b]. You’re one to talk; a minute ago you were sexually molesting a corpse. ;D

I don´t know the future.

No shit, [b]Cassandra[/b]. But I do know it. If you ask nicely, I might even tell you how the 2015 flick [b]Citizen Anderson[/b] actually ends… :P

I didn´t come here to tell you how to respond this thread.

I didn’t come here to stare at the fungi in your feet, either. So, what is it you came here for? :)

I came here to ask you a question.

But you already know the answer to that question. [b]Ricky Martin[/b] is, indeed, [b]gay[/b]! ;D

I´m going to end this post…

But we’re having so much fun. If you keep on posting, I’ll even translate the Latin inscription on the [b]MGM[/b] logo for you. Heck, I’ll even make that annoying [b]lion[/b] stop making that pussycat roar… :P

and then I´m going to see how much of an addict you are.

So, I’m addicted to writing crap on the Internet. Who’s gonna stop me? [b]Who you gonna call?[/b] ;D

I´m going to show people your addiction.

Over my collection of Barbie dolls you are! ;D

A world with happiness and joy.

And no religion, too. [b]Imagine[/b] that! [b]Morpheus[/b] may say you’re a dreamer, but you’re not the only [b]one[/b]. 8)

A world where anything is possible

A world where farts don’t smell? Get outta here! :o :o

Where we go from here, is a choice I leave to you

I don’t know about you, but me, my [b]Woman in Red Dress[/b] inflatable doll, my [b]Barbie dolls[/b], and my Delorean are off to catch the 2015 premiere of [b]Keanu Reeve[/b]’s Oscar-winning performance in the above-mentioned [b]Citizen Anderson[/b]. You have been nice, so I’m gonna tell you the end: There is no [b]sled[/b], and [b]Rosebud[/b] is actually his…[b]Father[/b]!!! :o :o

You hear that, Mr. Anderson?

The sound of Trinity´s vibrator? I feel your pain. That buzzing noise is making me crazy… >:(

[quote]That is the sound of inevitability[/quote]

Yep, it’s inevitable she will turn it on every d@mn night! Will that thing ever run out of batteries? ???

It´s is the sound of your death. Good bye, Mr. Anderson

The name is…[b]Nemo[/b]. Captain Nemo. And I’m not doing the dying thing yet. See, it’s right here in the script. I have to dodge your bullets, then I let you hit me, then I resurrect, later we make a couple of sequels. I hear there’re also prequels in the works… ;D

Double Feature: Yoda/Spidey + Yoda/Rose Dawson

Someplace in swampy Dagobah, the phone rings:

Yoda: 1-800-dildooine. Yoda, this is.
Spidey: Master Yoda, will I ever get laid with MJ?
Yoda: Hard to see, the will of the Force is.
Spidey: But could you help me out? Use your Jedi mind tricks on her, perhaps?
Yoda: Only on the weak-minded, they work.

::Hannah Montana: Hey, I resent that! ::

Spidey: Master Yoda, did you just shag Hannah Montana?!?
Yoda: Showed her the power of the Force, I did.
Spidey: You Lolita-loving dirty green muppet! Anyhoo, will you help me?
Yoda: Solve your problem I will, if Viagra you provide me.
Spidey: WTF! Do you use Viagra?!?
Yoda: When 900 years you are, wield your lightsaber as well, you won't.
Spidey: Oh my God. Listening to this is worse than fighting Doc Ock. I'm gone.
Yoda: May the Force be with you.



Painting Lessons

Rose: Master Yoda Vinci, do I really need to take my clothes off?
Yoda: A gentleman, I am. Help you, I will.

::Waves hand, clothes fall off::

Rose: Master Yoda Vinci, you're blushing. I doubt Monsieur Kenobi would have blushed.
Yoda: From the gay side of the Force, he is.

::Camera flash goes off::

Rose: Did you just take my picture naked? Weren't you supposed to paint my portrait?!?
Yoda: Portraits do not make one great. Wank off to your pic, I will. Farewell, mon coeur de la mer.

::Waves non-wanking hand, Rose's ship sinks::

Neo meets...the Architect!

Neo enters the room; Architect turns around and welcomes him…

--Architect: Hello, Neo. Welcome to Jurassic Park.
--Neo: [perplexed face] How do you know my name?
--Architect: I’m… [Loud thunderbolt strikes across TV screens] …The Architect!!! Supreme Designer of the Matrix. Antithetically, you are The Anomaly.
--Neo: [scratches head] Sorry, but I don’t speak German. See, I lost my spoon…then a lady told me I was supposed to enter the Core…
--Architect: You are the eventuality of a major disruption in our controlled subjugation of your species.
--Neo: Hmm, could I borrow your Webster’s?
--Architect: You aspire to formulate a question which, while being neither the most pertinent nor materially relevant at this juncture, I anticipate you will inevitably ask.
--Neo: Well, actually I do, Mr. Engineer, Sir. I was wondering…
--Architect: Did I intone incorrectly? I explicitly asserted that I’m... [Loud thunderbolt strikes across TV screens]…The Architect.
--Neo: Whoa ! Déjà vu!
--Architect: Concerning your inquiry…
--Neo: Well, I’ve been wondering this for a while. Who’s my father?
--Architect: [breathes heavily] I am your father.

[Out of nowhere, a well-dressed man with shades suddenly appears]

--Smith: And I, Mr. Anderson, am Barney.
--Neo: No!!!!!

E! True Hollywood Story: Chucky, why is he SO mean?

E! THS: Chucky, why is he SO mean?

Right out of the factory, he was bought by a young, promising, singer. He promptly fell in love with the doll, which became his very own Pygmalion. One tragic day, he couldn't find his Peter Pan book, so he read Pinnochio instead. The idea of injecting life into a puppet unleashed his dream of turning Chucky into a real boy. Through a Faustian pact, he sacrificed 7 virgins and flagelized his own body and face; in exchange, a Frankenstein-like creature would emerge out of the doll.

"It's alive!", he joyously proclaimed...just before he went down on the poor, innocent creature. Daily, he made a ritual of caressing the boy-doll, and performing all kinds of lascivous acts on his tender body. The sexual and psychological torture surpassed even the Rumsfeldian tactics applied on Abu-Graib POWs, or the daily iterations of Promethean suffering.

Gradually, Chucky's kind soul was obscured and his mind deranged. His hopes of being set free from the perversions of his pedophile owner almost dashed, he was contemplating dollicide when, suddenly, the chains that held him prisoner to his master's bed faltered and he was finally free: the acumulation of his torturer's pedophilyc ejaculations had, slowly but surely, corroded the metal...

As a grotesque, pale figure entered into his ghostly manor, a surprise awaited. A powerful, yet feminine, scream of horror rocked the place, before a terrified voice intoned "...a roach... help me!"

As he recovered from his cowardice-induced shock, the dimly-lit room revealed a hideous, lilliputian figure approaching...unnaturally. Just as he recognized his object of desire, the now evil creature of doom had defiled his face and deprived him of life...

As the headlines of one Michael Jackson's death engulfed the Internet and captivated the whole of a (supossedly superior) species' attention, Chucky, now a demoniacal monster, had long escaped his former prison, leaving only mutilated bodies, dismembered corpses and beheaded zombies in his wake, for no mere mortal can resist, the evil of the Thriller...

::Chucky's macabre laugh is faintly heard, as Vincent Price and his army of ghouls rise from their tombs: Bwahahahaha...::

Comic book geek goes to the movies

What happens when an opinionated comic book geek goes to the movies, and finds a girl sporting a shirt emblazoned with a "Love actually is all around" tagline from the hit film?

-Comic book geek: I like your shirt.
-Random girl: Thanks!
-Comic book geek: But the punctuation is off...
-Random girl: What do you mean?
-Comic book geek: Well, the word actually has to be surrounded by commas. Else it doesn't make sense.
-Random girl: OK... :rolls eyes:
-Comic book geek: You don't understand: it's incorrect grammar!!!
-Random girl:: I think I will live. Get lost!
-Comic book geek: But, but, don't you get it? It's wrong! It's like writing Spider-Man without the dash. The horror!
-Random girl: You're starting to freak me out...
-Comic book geek: But this is important. Imagine if Mr. Mxyzptlk couldn't spell his name! The mind boggles!
-Random girl: Look, nutjob, leave me alone. Get away from my sight!
-Comic book geek: Like Sue Storm! Get it? Invisible Woman; get away from your sight? I so crack myself up!!!
-Random girl: What the hell is wrong with you? :censored:

::Boyfriend arrives and kicks Comic book geek's ass::

Rom-Com Parody: Luke & Iris

Luke Skywalker and Iris Simpkins: Love is in the air

-Iris: Remember when we first met?
-Luke: How could I forget? You were about to jump off the ship into the Atlantic...
-Iris: I MEANT the coffee shop! That was the place, and you were the guy.
-Luke: Oh yes, we'll always have the coffee shop: that was quite a meet-cute! Just like the movies, except for...well...
-Iris: What's it sweetie?
-Luke: Well, I wish you could have known my father...
-Iris: Me too, but who knows? Lightning could strike.

::Emperor kills Luke's dad using Force Lightning::

-Iris: Uups!!!
-Luke: Nevermind. His asthma would have killed him sooner or later...Anyways...

::Luke gets down on his knees::

-Luke: Bonita Iris, would you take my hand in marriage?
-Iris: What hand?!?
-Luke: I mean, will you become my wife?

::Shows her the ring::

-Iris: Of course. My precious!
-Luke: Oh, Iris. That's so romantic, you calling me that.
-Iris: I was talking about the ring...
-Luke: Iris!!!
-Iris: Sorry, couldn't resist. That will be nice. Yes being my answer. Easy question.

::Yoda and Obi-Wan's spirits hi-5 each other::

-Luke: Oh, my darling angel, you make me so happy. Words fail me. I can only say, the prophecy was correct: Love actually, is all around. It binds us together...
-Iris: Oh Luke, that's so romantic.
-Luke: Really? I thought it was corny!
-Iris: I like corny. I'm looking for corny in my life!!!
-Luke: Oh Iris, to me you're perfect, and my wasted heart will always love you...
-Iris: I know... That's why I want to grow old with you.
-Luke: As long as it's not as old as Yoda, that Titanic lady, or when you look like this...

::Luke shows mummy pictures to Iris::

-Iris: Luke!!!
-Luke: I'm kidding. Jedi humor...

::Both walk away into Tattooine's sunsets::