From Britain with Love: The name is Bond...Jessica Bond

[After botching an assignmment, 007 is summoned up to M's office]

M: Bloody hell, Bond. Not only did you shagged the russian premier's wife, Rupaul and the entire norwegian cheerleading team --which, incidentally, was actually a squad of CIA covert agents trying to plant WMD's on Norway to justify a US-lead-coalition preemptive invasion that would've ensured Britain's drilling rights over the North Sea as reward for supporting the foolish american crusade in Irak, but you ALSO fucked your damn assignment: How bloody difficult can it be to recover the prime minister's poodle from a treetop?

007: The name is Bond, James Bond. Err, sorry, long line. I meant, that little dog put up quite a fight!

[Ben Stiller appears]

Stiller: Yeah, I once had to fight one while courting my sweetheart, Mary. That little dog knew Kung-Fu for crying out loud!

007: See what I mean? It's not as easy as it looks! That canine was a feisty little bastard!

M [Looking at Stiller]: Who's this arse-face american? What's your code name?

[Q teleports-in]

Q: Sorry for the abruptness. I was testing my newest invention: The teleporter. And this man is no secret agent: He is a test subject randomly picked off the street. Gay Fokker is his name, I seem to recall.

[M bursts into laughter]

M: Well, Bond. Seems you got some competition in the fucking department...

007: It would be appropriate to point out that my sexual engagements are confined to women. I would never--not even for Britain!--do, you know, what he does.

[Moneypenny's voice is heard over the intercom]

Moneypenny: Phone call for James. Somebody by the name of Rupaul. He would like to personally thank James for a wonderful...

[Bond interjects a violent cough, making the rest of the message inaudible]

Bond: Ahem! He really looked like a woman! And I did nothing. I swear on Britain!

Stiller: So that's why you have been walking funny. So, who's the gay one now? Busted!

[Nelson Muntz teleports-in, points at Bond]: Ha, ha!

Bond: Err. The name is Bond, James Bond. I mean, I'm gay. Wait, what I meant was my walking like this stems from an injury sustained while trying to get out of the closet during a mission. No, that came out wrong. Oh, Christ, could I PLEASE have a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.

[R2-D2 is beamed up; arrives with the drink]

M: Neither me nor this agency are interested in your nocturnal activities, Bond. Please yourself however you will.

007: But I'm not ga..

M: Silence, cowboy. As I was saying before Mr. Fokker's obnoxious interrumption, you fucked your last mission. You are getting a partner. May I present to you Agent 69: Jessica Bond.

[Drop-dead gorgeous blonde enters the room]

007: A pleasure to be made your acquiantence, my dear lady. I anticipate this is the commencement of a very reproductive...I mean, productive and fruitful relationship.

M: Drop the act, Bond. Oh, by the way, I neglected to mention she's the only lesbian agent in the Force.

Jessica Bond: Not to mention the fact of me being your long lost sister.

007: No!!!!!!!!