Tales of the SS Dementieva: Finale

Exciting conclusion to "Tales of the SS Dementieva: Lena crosses over to the Dark Side"

PART III:

***The last time we saw our heroes, they were nervously glancing at the Library's doorknob, still hesitating over going in or not. After a sudden burst of confidence in Alenyaa--explained by Admiral Vera blackmailing him with telling everyone about his Barbie collection--they finally managed to get in, and begin their research into this Alexandrian Monument to Knowledge***

Alenyaa: Queen Mother Vera, look at this volume: "Tales of the SS Dementieva" (2005-2010).

Vera: What? 2005-2010 you say? Is it possible they're stories about our future! This oughta be weird...Although, considering the kind of crazy stuff that takes place in this ship, what would be weird would be if it WASN'T weird, but I digress.

Alenyaa: Wow! This is really something. Herein are collected all our stories from last year, onwards to the present, not to mention our future adventures. Looks like next year the ship is going to be taken hostage by Lesbian Amazons, we discover Atlantis not only exists but's populated by Smurfs who worship Lena as their long-awaited Goddess, and, no, no freaking way, this can't be: Mexico wins the 2010 World Cup!!!

Vera: Sigh! Could you please stop that and focus on what happens in OUR story? Wait, wait a second! Did you say that Mexico will win the next World Cup?!? You can not be serious!

Alenyaa: Of course not! Just checking if you were paying attention

(*Whispering to himself: "Mexico winning. Ha, ha! That's as absurd as saying Lena's coach will actually do her job and help her with her serve!"*).

Alenyaa: Anyhow, as per your request, let's flip to the page concerning our present situation...

***Suddenly, a terrified girly scream rocks the room***

Vera: Alenyaa! Get off that chair! It's only a mouse!

Alenyaa: Rats! My Achilles Heel: Mice. Is...it...go...go...gone?

Vera: Yes! Now please give me the book so we can read what happens.

Alenyaa: The book? Well, we might have a little tiny problem there...

Vera: ¡Sigh! What now?

Alenyaa: As I jumped on top of the chair, the book slipped of my hands and into the overhead fan, getting teared into pieces.

Vera: When my daughter gets better and hears about this, you're gonna be so dead...

***Meanwhile, as the ship heads to inexorable doom--the Iberian Peninsula getting ever bigger in the horizon--hell has broken loose in the cockpit***

Mercedes: We're going to die!!!

Dani: My turtle is going to die!!!

Paco: Finally my conversion to Islam will pay dividends: Celestial Harems prommissed by the Prophet, here comes Paco!!!!

Unknown Crew Member: I can finally come out of the closet. I'm gay, everybody!!!

Max: We need to save all the beer...

SloKid:...And my Legolas inflatable doll!

Quasar: Where the hell are the lifeboats, we need to jump ship!

Mercedes (Again): I haven't showered for the last 3 months!

(...)

***The Captain's voice's heard over the PA system***

Captain: Lena, WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!? Put something on!!!!

All: What!?!

Captain: You bunch of horny sailors! I knew that would get your attention! Now, stop screaming like babies and let's try to focus on the problem at hand.

***Meanwhile, at the library, things are not going any better***

Vera: No, Alenyaa, for the last time, I'll NOT tell you about the pick-up lines Maxim used to conquer Lena!!!

Alenyaa: Come on, Vera. I'll show you my "Incredible Hulk" tatoo. I'll...I'll...I'll perform the "Robot Dance" for you...I'll even wear my g-string!

Vera: Sigh! Why do I always get stuck with the creepy weirdos...

***As Alenyaa and Admiral Vera's childish discussion unfolds, the Captain summons an emergency reunion***

Captain: People. As you can well see, the situation is quite severe. Lena's gone berzerk and we're following Hannibal's steps into the Pyrenneees--sans the elephants, mind you, before an imminent landfall against Spain.

Max: So you're basically saying we're as fucked as the 3rd class passengers in the Titanic!

Captain: Well, not really. I was just trying to build some tension, you know, for dramatic effect.

Slokid: I hate when he does that!

***Suddenly, a mysterious man wearing a Guy Fawkes mask emerges into the room***

Quasar: Great! Armageddon's upon us and some clown still thinks today is Halloween...

***The unexpected visitor calmly takes a long breath, then sits down***

Guy Fawkes: I imagine you're curious as to who I am, but that's immaterial right now. What matters is that the tragedy has been averted.

Captain: It's true, We're slowing down! But how?

Masqued Man: The question is not "how?" but, rather, "Why?"

All: Why???

Guy Fawkes: Why not? Ha-ha. Get it? You say "why?" and I reply "why not?"! I'm so funny! I kill myself!
Anyway, let me relate you what happened: As we were cruising through the Atlantic, we passed over a sunken Spanish galley (the "Orgy of the Castrated Conquistadores") used during the 17th century slave trade; 1,000 slaves perished that night, as their Spanish captors managed to escape. As a dying reminder of the dark fate fallen upon them, the slaves set a curse against the Spaniards for their atrocious...

Slokid: Wait, but there're no Spanish citizens among us. How could we be then be victimized by the course?

Quasar: Well, Pilongo is from Spain... BTW, where's Pilongo?

Masqued Man: In his cabin, taking his chastity belt off so he can whack off for one last time. But that doesn't concern you. Now, if you'll let me proceed: The curse was against the dreaded Spanish pirate "Dildo de la Verga," or any of his living descendants. Turns out one of you is his bastard great-great-(...)-grandchild. Does the date "5th of November" mean anything to any of you?

Dani: It's my birthday, and it's today! Yuppie!!!!

Mercedes: So the curse is against Dani. It's all her fault! She always looked suspicious to me!

Guy Fawkes: Actually, no, your Femme-Fataleness. If you would allow me to continue...The victim of the curse is now free from the spell, and doesn't remember anything. But that's irrevelant now; thanks to the one you call "Lena," the curse is over for good.

Captain: You mean Lena is OK? Pray tell us what happened!

Guy Fawkes: No, she's not OK, she's...

All: Oh, no, did something terrible happened to Lena?

Guy Fawkes: No, she's perfectly OK.

All: But you just told us she wasn't OK?

Guy Fawkes: I meant she's NOT OK LOOKING. She's SO much more than OK: She's sizzling hot, a bombshell, a Russian Helen of Troy...

Captain: OK, we get the picture...

Guy Fawkes: So, as I was narrating, the spell ordered this person (let's call him Paco) to drive the ship full steam ahead against Spain, so that the perished souls would achieve revenge against their torturers, and their damned spirits finally be set free. But this couldn't be done alone.

Captain: So he recruited Lena, but how? She would never go for such a dastardly evil scheme. I mean, besides crushing Alenyaa's bones--that's like Homer strangling Bart: It's tradition!--, hanging Paco just inches above the caldera's boiling water when she catches him spying on her, and flushing Max down the toillet that time he beat her at poker, Lena's INCAPABLE of doing any harm to anyone!

Guy Fawkes: I know, which is why he recurred to drastic measures.

Captain: Don't tell me. Fluffy!

Guy Fawkes: Yes, there was no other recourse. He got Fluffy stoned and dressed him like a nun, leaving it alone with Dani's turtle. Then Nature took over...

Quasar: No way! Fluffy was humping the turtle!

Guy Fawkes: Precisely. (BTW, "Humping the Turtle" makes for a great band name!). Anyways, then he just needed an excuse to get Lena to see her beloved Fluffy doing his imitation of the Energizer Bunny on Viagra...

Captain: So he tricked her into going by promising her some Twinkies.

Guy Fawkes: And cupcakes...and burritos...and of course, 100 servings of Oreos.

Paco: So that would explain the cookie crumbs and the Godzilla-like trail of destruction. She went mad after encountering the horrible sight of Fluffy shagging the turtle...

Guy Fawkes: Right. But, it was still needed to take her to the Engine Room and manually redirect the propellers for a straight hit against Spain. Only she had the strenght to perform such a task...

Slokid: I see where you're going. He recruited Dani and Mercedes to perform a ritual enchantation against Lena. That's why days ago I saw them doing that Hieros Gamos shit...

Guy Fawkes: Of course not. The girls are not witches, for crying out loud. (Sure, I'll grant you they are kinda nuts, but that's besides the point). That scenario you described never took place. You allucinated the whole thing. Word to the wise: Drop the acid.

Slokid: I'm so relieved! That means my memories of cross-dressing as Elton John, performing testicle-enlarging surgery and inserting a live cat in my uretra were all a bad dream!!!

Paco: I'm afraid not. Can't you still smell the dead cat's corpse stench!

Guy Fawkes: Take it easy. Luckily the guys from PETA turned out to be Lena's fans and didn't press charges. Back to the story. This pour soul was between Scylla and Charybdis. He needed Lena's muscle to alter the ship's course (else, he would be damned forever, following the curse), but if he asked for help with such machiavellic plans, she would sure leave his body splatered like Jell-O (and with good reason). So he gave her a phone call...

Captain: The "Seven Days" message, I'd imagine.

Guy Fawkes: Bingo!

***Dani is heard singing and dancing B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O...and Bingo was his nam-o***

All: Dani!!!!!!!

Guy Fawkes: As I was saying, in the message he let her know that if she didn't follow his instructions, he would kill Fluffy's offspring. He gave her 7 days time to comply. She was so emotionally distressed that she obediently fullfilled the task.

Quasar: Slow down a bit, Fluffy's offspring? You mean he's pregnant?

Guy Fawkes: Of course not, but Dani's turtle is. You see, she was impregnated by Fluffy and gave birth to a beautiful egg, which is still hatching.

***Dani faints***

Guy Fawkes: Anyways, this mask is starting to bother me.

***Guy Fawkes takes off the mask***

***Mercedes faints***

All: Alenyaa!!!

Alenyaa: What's up dudes! Hey, why are the girls lying on the floor?

Captain: So if it was you all this time in the costume, who was the one who managed to get rid of the curse, restore the ship's course and free Lena from her madness?

Paco: And how, in the name's Nefertiti's bra, do you actually know all of this!!!!!!!!

Alenyaa: Hey, calm down folks. One would imagine that after saving your lives you would at least be a little grateful. But since you want to know, I'll tell you. When the admiral and I went to the library, we discovered it was basically a comic-book kiosk disguised as a library to prevent anyone from going there. That way Lena would be able to read her comics in private. Upon finding this, the Admiral got REALLY mad and said whomever had helped Lena with this ruse to ditch training--in favor of secretly indulging in her passion for comic books--was REALLY gonna get it.

***Captain nervously grabs his neck***

Alenyaa: Anyhoo, seeing as there was nothing productive that could be done in the library, the Admiral went to look for Lena herself, while I stayed put reading some comics...

Paco: Finally something that makes sense!

Alenyaa: Little did you know, my dear Paco, that I would stumble upon a comic entitled "V for Vendetta," which narrates how, precisely 401 years ago--on this very same day!--a plot to destroy the British Parliament was foiled.

Captain: So, that's were you got the idea for the Guy Fawkes mask! And today is the 5th of November, the day we in Britain celebrate the anniversary of the foiling of such a devious plot against our government and the killing of the traitor.

Alenyaa: Yes. But it turns out this Guy Fawkes dude was actually a rebel with a cause. He was trying to free the people from an oppresive regime and motivate them to think from themselves. So, you see, he was fighting the right cause, but in the wrong way.

Quasar: OK. So this is all very interesting, but what, in the name of Zeus' hairy balls, does this has to do with us being saved from colliding with Spain?

Alenyaa: If you would let me finish...In the comic, there's a modern day hero-of-sorts who dresses as Guy Fawkes and tries to ignite a rebellion in the masses, using Fawkes'same flawed--yet, well-intended--tactics. This guy is really the SHIT, capable of doing all kinds of amazing physical stunts (Sort of a British Batman without the Batmobile). This got me thinking, this Guy Fawkes dude is kind of a martyr, an idealist who tried to do good, but instead fucked up. What if he were given the chance to make amends and atone for his sins? So I summoned him up...

Paco: OK, Harry Potter, how do you bring an spirit back from the dead to save our asses and achieve spiritual purification!!!!

Alenyaa: I don't know really. For the 1st time in my life I actually believed something really good could come out of me. Perhaps It was Lena's fragrance permeating the room what inspired me--after all, she spends unhealthy amounts of time there--I really dunno, but out of nowhere this Guy Fawkes dude materialized. I explained him our nefarious predicament, and he obliged to help. In matters of seconds he reversed the propellers to normal speed and course and then...then...

All: What?????? What happened next?

Alenyaa: We saw Lena coming madly--like a raging bull--towards us. I thought that was it for me, but then, the most incredible thing happened.

All: What???? What?????

Alenyaa (snoozing): Actually, I'm kind of tired. Tell you what, I'll finish the story tomorrow!

All: Alenyaa!!!!!

Alenyaa: Jeez! You guys are quite impatient. I imagine you were among the dorks waiting in line for the Star Wars Episode III months in advance...In any case, what transpired then defies explanation: Lena saw this guy and took off his mask...revealing his hideous face and...kissed him! Then all was white and luminous as hundreds of spirits ascended to heaven. It was quite magical, and Lena, what can I say, her menacing red-eyed glare suddenly was gone, her precious smile settling back into her face. She was back. And didn't ever bother to kick my butt! I can not begin to understand what happened!

Captain: I think I do. When Lena saw Fawkes'spirit, it was a mirror of things to come; she recognized what was going to happen if she didn't regain control of herself: Her unleashed dark side--the one we all have but almost never show--was going to get the better of her, and she would end up disgraced, as Guy Fawkes did. Most of us would have not been able to come back against our own demons. But not Lena! Her noble spirit and gentle soul allowed her to overcome and supress her Hyde-an side.

Quasar: And commanded by her kind heart, she kissed Fawkes; her selfless act liberating his spirit and freeing the damned souls of those who centuries ago tragically perished in the sunken vessel right beneath us. That's why you saw that ethereal, luminiscent spectacle. (And it also explains why Lena didn't kick your butt: She was enthralled in the moment, ecstatically overjoyed at such a magnificent spectacle).

Alenyaa: Wow guys! You really know how to punctuate a story!

Paco: Well, seems everything is fine know. Only one thing worries me now. Do you realize ALENYAA ACTUALLY SAVED US?????

Alenyaa: I know. I'm scared too.

Slokid: If this not the first sign of the Apocalypse...

Max: ...I don't know what is.

***The group huddles in fright, after this spooky realization, while Dani and Mercedes wake up from their slumber***

Quasar: This reminds me, one last question. Just out of curiosity, Dani and Mercedes not remembering the last 7 days. How do you account for that?

Mercedes: Well, to be truthful, my hangovers actually last for 7 days--if not more! And I always remember zilch during that lapse.

Dani: I actually had never gotten drunk before. Suits me for hanging around with Mercedes...BTW, where's Lena

Alenyaa: She's having the time of her life playing with Fluffy and taking care of the egg that your turtle gave birth to.

*Dani faints again*

***The tension all but over, the mistery obliterated by the sagacity of the crew, everyone goes to the pub to get a well-deserved time-off and relax. As the ship gets pulled to its docking space in Bilbao, the sun kindly sets in--as imposing a sunset as the city has ever seen!--, while Lena lets her rosy cheeks and golden hair be kindly caressed by a breezy gust of wind, and lifts her lovely hand forming a V shape--"V for Victory" in Madrid, then coquetely lifts her head up to the sky, her joyous smile brimming with confidence and the sparkle in her eye outshining the twinkling stars of the sky above***

***As he lights his pipe and gets comfortable in his chair, the Captain smiles and utters to himself the words: "I love when a plan comes together"***


Epilogue:

Slk45: Everything is solved now; except for that most elusive and mind-blowing mistery: Victoria's secret!

Quasar: Dude, no one has told you? After the season's over, Lena will be posing for Victoria's Secret Christmas Lingerie Catalog. Here's a sample that the Captain procured: http://www.wtaworld.com/showpost.php?p=9398336&postcount=19 (Don't ask me how!).

***Slk nearly faints, as Lena's irrepresible beauty tends to have that effect on guys. While still gasping for air, he somehow manages to articulate a last thought***

Slk: Is this heaven?

***No. It's the SS Dementieva, a mysterious voice intones, as it gradually fades away into nothingness, and a Cheshire-Cat-like grin dissolves into the vast blue sea ahead***